The Truth about New Year’s Resolutions

The University of Scranton’s revelation that only 8% of people achieve their New Year’s Resolution may have left you scratching your head in disbelief and muttering “what? Are 92% of us that weak minded?”. Or, it could have left you rolling your eyes in agreement for the statement. Well let me tell you all that the latter point is true. We are all lazy and self indulgent

I for one didn’t make any resolutions this year because I knew the cycle of resolutions off by heart at this point. 

Step 1: It’s the eve of the new year and you’re feeling either nostalgic or looking back on the memories with a hatred deep in the pit of your stomach. (Either that or Auntie Peggy’s out of date chicken bake)

Step 2: If you did detest 2013 with all of your heart, chances are that after two glasses of bubbly and after welcoming in the new year with a bunch of drunkards who insist on “2014 being the raddest year ever”, chances are you’ll probably follow suit and insist that 2014 will be “your year”.

Step 3: Now that you’ve established that 2014 will be gold star material, you’ll need to ensure that it isn’t just a replica of last year and to do this – in the words of Napolean Hill – you are the master of your own destiny after all. You’ll write down some resolutions in which the results will show you in the best light possible e.g. “I resolve to lose 2 stone” or “I resolve to become a domestic goddess”

Step 4: The following 3 days you’ll work at your resolution like your life depends on it. Which I guess it does if your resolution is to become a regular at the gym so that Darryl the cutie on the running machine asks you out you can become fitter

Step 5: After a week you realise you have no self control and that 2014 is destined to be The Year That Turns Horrid. Like 2013. And 2012. Come to think of it, every year.

That, my friends, is why New Year’s Resolutions are just the inner workings of someone who has a spur of the moment thought that 2014 will be a brilliant year because they will miraculously swap bodies with Beyoncé while sitting on the couch having a contest with your room mate to see who can eat the most Doritos in a minute. It’s your inner optimist telling you that you can be fabulous at the click of your fingers. The realist is shaking their head at your stupidity and telling you to take off your Dior rose tinted sunglasses which have left a burning hole in your bank balance and needs to be returned asap.

So the moral of the story is to not make resolutions but to change when you deem it necessary and remember, changes take time. Work at it and you will make 2014 a bad-ass year. But don’t make a half hearted resolution and forget about it after the first week of January. Be the person that doesn’t give up.

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